I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
