you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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