shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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