Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
