I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
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The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
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so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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