i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
