i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
not ubering you a puppy
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
