I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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