I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
