Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
