he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
