We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
