Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
