Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
