Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
