the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
