Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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