girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
