Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
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