All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
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He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
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You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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