i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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