honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
