Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
