I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
