You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
