Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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