The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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