I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
