How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
