Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
