3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
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There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
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Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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