Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
