I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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