my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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