dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
