Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
