You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
