and my herpes radar will keep us safe
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
