Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
