i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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