Plan B is the new Plan A
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
