That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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