listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
