Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
