Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
