He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
