I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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