Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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