I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
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The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
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there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
sex in a hospital.. check
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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