I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
