She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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