a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Randomize
