you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
