I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
