Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize
