OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
