I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
