Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
