the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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