you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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