You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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