why didn't you poke me back
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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