Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
