it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
