No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
PANTIES FOUND
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
