If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
