Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
